Today while at breakfast with my best friend I had an epiphany. We were doing our normal routine of catch-ups and gossip when I noticed that I'd hardly said a word. I had my own thoughts an opinions on the certain subject we were talking about (boys - naturally) and went to say my piece. I got partially through talking my thought out loud when I paused for a moment. My best friend didn't waste a second going back to something surrounding her and completely blowing off what I had to say. Now, normally I take this with a grain of salt - she's really going through something, or this is really important for her to talk about. But, then I started realizing that most of the time, I'm making excuses like we can talk about me later or well what I have to say isn't really that important anyway or maybe it's a sign that I should keep this to myself or I simply let it go right as it happens saying... this is just who she is.
Then I realized. I realized that being silent and repressing my thoughts and feelings is putting myself second. I realize that she is not interested in what I have to say because the whole time I was talking she was thinking about that something else that she interrupted me with (or patiently waited for me to finish so that she could change the subject back). I know that my best friend means well. I know that you need to put yourself first in the grand scheme of life and when things come to moral and ethical decisions, but it is important to listen to hear and not listen to reply. It is important to talk to people and care about people - especially your friends and especially your best friend, someone that you've officially labeled to be one of the most important people in your life. Someone that you've spent time (or should've spent time... if they are your best friend) getting to know their likes and dislikes, their feelings and their reactions.
The fact that this is a constantly reoccurring instance makes me sad. It makes me sad to know that I am consistently sacrificing myself in a friendship. Whenever there is a bump in the road I admit it to be my wrongdoing and that gives me pain. The fact that sometimes I avoid my completely realistic feelings in order to prevent a conflict only keeps those feelings inside in order to some day explode upsets me. It makes me feel down because I care so much about her and our friendship. It makes me sad because I know she cares too, but this is who she is.
I find that people go through this situation a lot more than one would think. But, often times it is in romantic relationships. These are the conflicts in which pull you between a rock and a hard place because the last thing anyone wants to do is run from someone they truly care about, but I also know that this relationship is not healthy. Because I naturally try to avoid conflict, I will continue how it's always been in my relationship but with a different perspective. Having this epiphany, I've already started to grow on without her. Knowing what I know, I will let her do what she does but walk away knowing that what I believe does matter and when a situation comes along that I shouldn't continually give a piece of myself away. I am not anymore weak. I am not anymore selfless. She will always be close to me, but we are growing apart as I have become more confident, more mature, and more clear-minded.
I am still sad, but I am more emotionally healthy - which is what matters. You matter. Your opinions matter. Your life matters. Every little nook and cranny, every little piece of your soul matters. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Don't let anyone make you think that what you believe isn't good enough because it is. Be strong. Move forward. Mature. Grow. Realize that sometimes you have to make calls to better your well-being and that sometimes making those calls will mean moving forward while someone else stays behind... and that's okay.
