Soulmate

I never knew that I'd ever grasp the true concept of having a soulmate. I've felt empty without someone before. I've felt broken, disconnected, and shallow when I was missing my first love. But I never felt that I was truly missing a piece of who I was. Who I am. It is something someone cannot truly understand until it has been felt... having a soulmate. It sounds silly, the word soulmate, as it is constantly thrown around in society (not to mention Hollywood).

I can't explain my connection to you. Any moment away from you doesn't feel right. I can live, survive, smile, get me-time, but the connection is still strong. So, when my anxiety eats at my and makes me believe you want to sever this invisible strength between the two of us I shatter. I go down to my bare bones and nothing else.

Our souls were meant to come together. It was said that our souls are believed to have been together in a past life. I'd like to think we have always had each other's backs even when we didn't know one another in this life.

Our souls are connected. The core to our entire humanity and life are meant to be together in one form or another. It is an unbreakable love. It has both destroyed me and brought me back to life again. Saying "I love you" does not do justice to what I feel in my heart as what I feel can simply not be put into words. (No matter how hard I try.)

The Realization That Your Best Friend May Not Be the Best for You

          Today while at breakfast with my best friend I had an epiphany. We were doing our normal routine of catch-ups and gossip when I noticed that I'd hardly said a word. I had my own thoughts an opinions on the certain subject we were talking about (boys - naturally) and went to say my piece. I got partially through talking my thought out loud when I paused for a moment. My best friend didn't waste a second going back to something surrounding her and completely blowing off what I had to say. Now, normally I take this with a grain of salt - she's really going through something, or this is really important for her to talk about. But, then I started realizing that most of the time, I'm making excuses like we can talk about me later or well what I have to say isn't really that important anyway or maybe it's a sign that I should keep this to myself or I simply let it go right as it happens saying... this is just who she is.
          Then I realized. I realized that being silent and repressing my thoughts and feelings is putting myself second. I realize that she is not interested in what I have to say because the whole time I was talking she was thinking about that something else that she interrupted me with (or patiently waited for me to finish so that she could change the subject back). I know that my best friend means well. I know that you need to put yourself first in the grand scheme of life and when things come to moral and ethical decisions, but it is important to listen to hear and not listen to reply. It is important to talk to people and care about people - especially your friends and especially your best friend, someone that you've officially labeled to be one of the most important people in your life. Someone that you've spent time (or should've spent time... if they are your best friend) getting to know their likes and dislikes, their feelings and their reactions.
          The fact that this is a constantly reoccurring instance makes me sad. It makes me sad to know that I am consistently sacrificing myself in a friendship. Whenever there is a bump in the road I admit it to be my wrongdoing and that gives me pain. The fact that sometimes I avoid my completely realistic feelings in order to prevent a conflict only keeps those feelings inside in order to some day explode upsets me. It makes me feel down because I care so much about her and our friendship. It makes me sad because I know she cares too, but this is who she is.
          I find that people go through this situation a lot more than one would think. But, often times it is in romantic relationships. These are the conflicts in which pull you between a rock and a hard place because the last thing anyone wants to do is run from someone they truly care about, but I also know that this relationship is not healthy. Because I naturally try to avoid conflict, I will continue how it's always been in my relationship but with a different perspective. Having this epiphany, I've already started to grow on without her. Knowing what I know, I will let her do what she does but walk away knowing that what I believe does matter and when a situation comes along that I shouldn't continually give a piece of myself away. I am not anymore weak. I am not anymore selfless. She will always be close to me, but we are growing apart as I have become more confident, more mature, and more clear-minded.
          I am still sad, but I am more emotionally healthy - which is what matters. You matter. Your opinions matter. Your life matters. Every little nook and cranny, every little piece of your soul matters. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Don't let anyone make you think that what you believe isn't good enough because it is. Be strong. Move forward. Mature. Grow. Realize that sometimes you have to make calls to better your well-being and that sometimes making those calls will mean moving forward while someone else stays behind... and that's okay.

Fill Your Own Glass

If you've ever wondered what it feels like to feel completely empty... I can enlighten you to one thing - you're lucky. While I firmly believe that all of the ups and downs of emotions that life throws at us are vital to our growth and maturity, the feeling of great emptiness is one that I truly dread. I believe that this feeling (or lack there of) stems from actually feeling too much. This is a numbing experience... feeling so much that you don't feel anything at all.
When I personally feel empty, it tends to come from the second worst feeling one can experience - feeling unwanted. Knowing that you're not wanted by someone who you long to talk to, take care of, love, is very difficult. All you want to do is see them and be near them but you know that you aren't just not cared about, but specifically would rather not be seen or heard. This leads to thinking. Thinking that you're not good enough. Thinking about what more you could possibly offer to this person to make them change their mind. Thinking about how it's not fair that it's possible for love to not be reciprocated. Then the emptiness creeps in. It comes in slow but it comes in hard. With every second that passes it starts to consume you until you're left staring into space not feeling a single thing. Not even sadness. Not even anger. You feel nothing. You are a body and that is all. Now, we all know this feeling doesn't last forever. But there's nothing like it.
The question from here on out is, how do you come back from it? This feeling can control you. How are you going to rise above it? The answer is simple: try.
Think about the things that you love. Think about how you smile, how you laugh. Think about all the times you've conquered. Consume yourself in a book. Consume yourself in a movie you've seen a million times but can still make you feel something. Realize and believe that this feeling of not feeling a thing will not last forever. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you're worth it - and believe it. Smile! Because smiling is scientifically proven to make you happier - and simply because there isn't a single smile that I've come across that wasn't beautiful and I'm convinced there never will be.


When you feel this emptiness you need to realize that its lying to you. Because you're filled. You're glass isn't half full or half empty, it's overflowing. You're eyes will light up again, as long as you don't feed the darkness.

Miss Independent

For the past three or so years, I seriously believed in "I'm only me when I'm with you". I felt so comfortable with my boyfriend at the time and I viewed him as my second half. The peanut butter to my jelly. The ping to my pong. After a complete shattering of my heart, I slowly started to realize that as much as I thought I'd found myself, I had hardly even taken the first step on my journey to discover the person I am and want to be. I had barely gotten my foot in the door. Obviously it took some time to start to move forward from a nearly three year relationship, but I started to and I am continuing to. Believe it or not, despite the sting of the pain every so often, I'm more excited than ever to be by myself. Especially at my age, going through my college years, this is the time where I need to figure out who I am without spending time and focusing all my energies on being with someone else. I don't have to worry about missing him when he's gone for a little while, or making sure we're on the same page, or worrying about what he's doing, or putting his happiness before my own. Now, this is coming from a complete hopeless romantic. I really love everything love and when I love I love hard. So, it's really saying something for me to say that right now its important that I stay single for a little while. I've realized that it's really important for most to have that some point in their growing-up years where they can separate and grow on their own. I'm not saying that anyone should by any means break-up with their significant other just to try out being by themselves if something is working really great, but maybe step away and travel or do some different things without your other. You might discover new things that you might love that you can grow from. I think its absolutely amazing for two people to go through these changes and be able to stay strong. Its truly a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, that didn't happen in my case. But, instead of looking at it as a curse, I'm taking the "everything happens for a reason" route in saying that it is a blessing. I still might not know the exact reason, but I'm sure I'll find it. I've already started to open up more and feel more comfortable being myself. I can only hope everyone goes through a time where they are truly happy and feel free to do whatever they want to do and be whoever they want to be. It's really a fantastic feeling. I encourage everyone to take a minute out of their day and ask themselves a question like, "am I who I want to be?", "what can I do next?", "what adventure should I take tomorrow?", "how can I be the best me that I can?", "am I happy? How can I change anything that's making me unhappy?" Answering these questions and acting on those answers can turn your whole world around in a great way. So, find yourself. Be whoever you want to be. Do whatever you want to do that's going to fulfill you. Making changes can be hard, but if you think it'll help you be the best version of yourself you can be, trust me - it will be worth it. Love yourself, and you'll find so much more love in everything else. I can honestly say that I am. I am learning more and more as my days pass by.

Advice... Take It or Leave It?

     Well, that's up to you. If you haven’t noticed, a lot of my more in depth posts are about self-empowerment, doing what you want and how you want to do it, and simply being who you are. After going through a whirlwind of a fall semester emotionally, I’ve recently realized that I need to start taking my own advice. Now, from the outside, it’s easy for someone to say ‘why wouldn’t you do that in the first place?!’ But inside the crazy world that I call my brain, it’s a lot harder than it looks.
     Anyone can give advice and anyone can listen to it; the hard part is following it through. I am the first one to admit that even as much as you want to, the first step to doing what you believe is right when it’s against what your heart wants is the most difficult step of all. “Follow your heart” is a famous piece of advice that many take very seriously. A large amount of people insist on following your heart and only your heart. But personally, I think that your mind is there for a reason. Yes, you can’t live without your heart. But, you also can’t live without your brain. They are both vital to your being. Without one, you’re not alive. Where I’m going with this is that they are hand-in-hand, and I think they should be treated that way. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t follow your heart. I’m saying that you shouldn’t blindly follow it. I think that if there is really an overwhelming part of your mind that is telling you that you should or shouldn’t do something or you should or shouldn’t take someone’s advice (even if it’s your own), you should probably at least give your brain a chance and listen and consider (who knows, it might even lead to a change of heart). In doing this, it makes it that much easier to take that first step.
     I want to make a point that I’m not saying you should ever question what you feel, because that is something that you simply cannot control. No matter what anyone says, you can’t control how you feel. You either feel one way or you don’t. That’s that.
     But, I am saying that you can control how you act and look at situations. That is where your brain comes in. So, whether you want to take advice or simply ignore it, that’s your call. As for me, I think I’m going to start listening to my brain a little more and my heart a little more. Yes, I said more for both. Most of all, I think that I’m going to start taking my own advice. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m not going to care what people think about me. I’m not going to let what other people want dictate my actions or feelings. I’m going to accept what I feel and accept what I don’t. I’m going to be the best version of me that I can be. Whether you want to follow my lead, or take someone else’s advice, that decision is all you. Just make sure it’s what your heart and mind truly want – not what someone else wants of you.

"Love Who You Love With All That You Have"

Everyone that knows me knows that I absolutely love the idea of, the feeling of, and everything that has to do with love. I feel this way because love is extremely powerful. Love can be overwhelmingly strong and fierce, but love is also very gentle. A lot of people constantly search for one type of love and get so consumed with their search that they don't realize the major amount of love that surrounds them in the first place. Love can be your favorite song coming on the radio at just the right time on a perfectly sunny day. Love can be that feeling you get when you are at your favorite place in the world. Love is an extraordinary thing, and there are many types. There is that soul-mate love that everyone searches for where you find someone who you want to surround yourself and be intimate with forever; then there's that love you are born with for your family and friends where you don't even realize how powerful it is until you figure out that you wouldn't be who you are today without those people. But, then there's that love for everything else; every little thing that you fall for and sincerely enjoy. This kind of love could be anything. It could be the look on your dog's face when you go to take him outside. It could be the color of your favorite shirt. It's the little things. I believe that all loves, although different, impact you in the greatest way. I also believe that it's right when people say that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Or, well, you might, but that doesn't stop you from taking it for granted sometimes. We, as humans, get so used to all of these loves being in and around our lives that we figure it's just supposed to be that way and we never stop to ask ourselves: who would we be without them?

Who would I be without my pets greeting me every time I come home? What about without being able to breath the fresh fall air into my nose as the leaves start to fall? Who would I be without the feeling of peace I sometimes feel the second before I fall asleep? I don't know. Maybe miserable. Or, maybe I would appreciate different little pieces of love more.

Love is all over the place. Love surrounds you. But, what's the main reason why I like love so much? Love can be felt through anyone or anything. You have the ability to fall in love with whoever and whatever you want. So, instead of focusing on searching for one type of love, maybe right now everyone should focus on appreciating all the other things we love. To unconditionally love who and what you love is to be yourself. Being yourself is a great feeling.

"Who Made You The King Of Anything?"

Throughout high-school people say that once you're out,  everyone is much more mature. Not as much drama and stupidity. I only half agree. Yes, people are more grown up, but I think that that comes with a whole new world of happenings. Just more adult-y happenings. Instead of someone being upset that they can't go out this weekend because they got in trouble for grades or disobeying their parents in some way, someone is upset because maybe someone hooked up with someone's ex-lover or someone realized how incredibly fake some people can be.

I, personally, try to veer away from people I don't get "good vibes" from for my own well-being. But, when you're from a small town like me, it's hard to avoid every single situation. Especially when everyone seems to find out everything about everyone's lives.

But, there is always going to be that one person that sticks out. Normally, that one girl. But that one boy or girl who is the Queen (or King) of everyone else's lives. Obviously, they know best about your life. Even more than you do, right? Well, at least she (or he) thinks so anyway. That person is going to frustrate you more than you can ever imagine. It's hard to let someone like that's words go right in one ear and out the other. It's very hard. Especially when you're my age still learning about yourself and who you want to be. Most of the time it goes in one ear and floats around your brain for a while, taking its sweet time, letting maybe one or two words slip out the other ear every once in a while until one day the time that has passed will let the thought completely disappear. I believe that it doesn't make you weak when this happens to you. People rely so much on other people, what they think, and even just communication from one person to another now-a-days that if we didn't have people telling us all of their opinions and criticisms, even the ones about our lives, something wouldn't feel right and we would end up thinking that they're holding back and we would want to know more. Although, what a world that would be... without being harshly criticized by someone who has no say in your life. I think that sounds great! But like I said, I don't think it makes you weak when the words of other's bothers you to a point where you could get so upset that you either want to cry or punch someone. I actually believe it can make you stronger. Every time you go through these situations you get a little more wise. Every time, you start to realize that people are going to say what they are going to say and you're going to realize how much you hate the emotions that you start to feel to the point where you never want to feel them again. Once you realize this a little more each time one of these situations comes along, you will slowly start to care less and less because you'll start to focus on how happy you want to be, and probably are, thinking your own opinions rather than believing the opinions of others.

So, next time the Queen (or King) starts to convince you that they know better, don't believe them. No one but you knows what's best for you. Hey, you can even look at it as a blessing - this critical person is making you stronger.